Know you place.....

Sam, one of the most important lessons your great grand-father Pagra taught me was "knowing my place". Now most people read this quote and think it has a negative skew to it. Usually you'll hear this from a boss or elder when they want to quiet you, and make sure you know who's in charge. Pagra had a different view on things when it came to knowing his place. You'll hear Magra talk about how Pagra wanted to be a "big fish in a small pond", and that's why he chose to practice law in a town of 900 people. He easily could've gone to any city and toil away in a big firm for years and hope one day to become a partner, but to him it would've been a fools task. Within your genes lies a certain need to be independent, and a definite confidence in your own ability to be successful. It wasn't an easy decision I'm sure. He was expecting his first child, your Mimi, and moving to a tiny town with no idea of how he'd support his family. Oh, I forgot to also tell you that risk taking is in your blood too.......After diving in head first he spent the rest of his life carving out a law practice, raising a family, and creating a place in the world for himself. I'm in no way an expert on the life Magra and Pagra built together. I do know that they struggled greatly at moments, but through the struggles they found something greater. Magra and Pagra found their place in life. They ended up raising three wonderful children, built a successful law practice, and made a name for themselves in Bandera (even in a town of 900 its good to have street cred). Pagra knew his place because he made it. With every failure or success he was creating a life that had purpose and meaning. He didn't do it alone either, and this gets to the heart of the matter Sam, he was certainly an independent man, but he was also smart enough to know that he needed support. In Magra he chose quite wisely, to me she is the glue that keeps our family together today, and I'm sure she was then too. Without her his life wouldn't have been possible. When you get older you're going to hear your mom and I laughing about our lives now. To say we're struggling is an understatement. I'll be a nurse soon, but when you were born I was still in school (ie student level broke), carving out my own place in life. The same holds true for me as it did for Pagra, without your mom, my life wouldn't be possible. The vision we have for our lives has involved sacrifice both of us, but she trusts me, and supports me no matter what. It would be a mistake to not tell you of your importance in this equation too son. You are the driving force in your mother's and my lives. Every decision we make reflects how you've changed us, and how now you're a part of the support we both need. Never underestimate the humility and purpose you've brought to this family. Every day I wake up knowing that without you and your mom I'm only fulfilling a portion of my potential. I know my place now. It's right where I am: raising you to be a good man, being a good partner to your mom, and finding happiness in hardship or success. Son, remember this as you're carving your own place out: you make your own life so own your choices, but without sacrifice and support you'll never really understand how wonderful knowing your place can be. I love you son, and just as a side-note, you turned 2 months old recently, and you still look like your mom.....

4 Weeks Ago, You Came Home

It's hard to believe how fast this last month has gone by. Two days ago you turned one month old, and came home with us two days later. In the last month, you've been visited by two sets of grandparents, one great grandma, one uncle, one aunt, and three cousins. Plus we've had countless friends over to gush over you. No matter who holds you they all say how gorgeous you are, how much you look like either me or your mom (depending on who's doing the looking), and I just found out a faction of our friends think you look like your grandma Mimi. I think you look like my dad, your a little on the small side currently, but you have his eyes, his barrel chest, and you're quite the ladies man (just like he was). This weekend is your cousin's second birthday, and your mom took you down to the coast for his party. Its the first time that I've been separate from you since you were born. I didn't realize how much I'd miss you, but you're always on my mind. I think about how much you've grown already, and how much I've missed since you left. You change that fast son, you started cooing big time this weekend your mom told me. This whole month I've been thinking about one thing: family. Without delving into too much psychological setup on your dad, lets just say that I didn't grow up respecting the traditional family. I never really understood Pagra's intent on being together every holiday, or when Mimi would want me home for dinner at night, or when your grandpa Van would call me repeatedly to make sure I was gonna make our tee time for golf. They missed me, like I miss you, it's horrible son, being away from you. I haven't missed anyone like this, ever, even your mom (I miss her like a crazy person too though). It feels like a part of me is missing son, I miss changing your diapers, burping you, putting you to sleep, and even your cries son. I know when you read this years from now, you'll be thinking that this is just another example of me trying to embarrass you, or be involved in your life too much, but remember, you're a part of me, and I'll never be able to ignore how much I love you. No far reaching message here Sam, no advice in this blog, just a father missing his son.

Your Story Begins.....

You came into this world on September 8th 2010, you weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces, and were 21 inches long. The very first thing I noticed was your toes believe it or not. Let me be the first to apologize for your finger toes, you got them from me......and your banana boat feet. Your nose is mine, and you have your mom's mouth, lips, ears, hair, and to me, you smell like your momma. I've always loved the story your grandma Mimi tells about the day I was born (it almost happened in a library), that I thought it would be good for you to know your story. I want you to know that for the whole time I never left you, or you mom, I slept with you both, and made sure you were both safe and taken care of. Also, this story may upset you, but its the way you came into this world, and the importance of that is inherent. A week before you were born we went to see your Mom's doctor, we were headed there weekly by then. Everything looked great, in fact, your mom was already dilated (she was almost ready to have you). We left the doctor filled with anticipation and nervousness, and started preparing the house for you. I think we re-worked the house three times before we felt good about your room. Your Grandpa Jan helped me paint your room, and your Grandma Empress helped your mom wash all your clothes, and sheets. I put your dresser and crib together, and we were done. Then, we waited....waited and waited for you to come. On September 7th we went to see your mom's doctor again, and she hadn't progressed much, so they stripped the membrane surrounding you in the hopes you would come out. That night you were moving like we'd never felt before. Boy oh boy, we didn't expect you to come so soon, but that night your mom got up to go to the bathroom, and her water broke. I still can't remember what happened next, but what I do remember is how I couldn't stop myself from laughing, smiling, and even jumping from excitement while we got ready to go to the hospital. Your mom was great the whole time, even calming me down when I got too excited or nervous. We checked in, and went to room 204 in the hospital. Your mom was hooked up to IV's, and monitors went on her belly so we could hear your heartbeat the whole time. In the next few hours, your mom's contractions went up and down, getting stronger and closer together, signaling that you were getting ready to coming into this world. The morning of your birthday was a gorgeous one. Sunny, breezy and cool, the best days in San Francisco are in September and October, you'll be happy at every birthday party you have. Your mom had been contracting all night and was in tons of pain. One thing I'll tell you Sammy, we wouldn't have made it without the nurses. Michele was the one I'm most grateful for. When she first came in the room I was concerned, she's a tiny Asian woman, and I was concerned that she wouldn't be strong enough to help your mom, but never have I been more wrong about someone. Michele was precisely what your mom needed. Her tender and constant care made both your mom and I immediately comfortable. She checked on you like a mother hen, and did the same for your mom. She even ordered me breakfast and lunch to make sure I'd eat (I wouldn't leave your mom and eating was the farthest thing from my mind). Your mom contracted all morning and all day, but she wasn't making much progress, and she'd been in labor for over 12 hours now. Her doctor came and suggested we use a kick start called Petocin to get you on the move, and she set your mom up on pain medication (contractions can be a little painful Sammy....). Within a few hours your mom had made great progress, and she was ready to push. I can't believe that I'm actually telling you this right now Sam, you were just born 5 days ago, and you're existence is so fresh in my mind that its difficult to fathom....Your mom had been in labor for 17 hours by now, and we were both ready for you to be born. I wish I could describe the scene better, but all I'll tell you is that the process of your mom pushing couldn't have been more calming and bonding. It was me, your mom, and her nurse in the room, and with every contraction I would talk to your mom, help her count while pushing, or just think about you. The one moment that made me realize that you would belong with me came after two hours of pushing. Your mom's doctor was in the room now, and the labor was getting INTENSE, then all of a sudden the door to the room opens, and this 60's looking Asian man just WALKS IN while your mom is contracting.....I shit you not, he walked in like he owned the place. We all just stopped momentarily, and made eye contact, then when he realized his mistake he turned around and made a B-line for the door, with me swiftly following and repeating "Sir you need to leave NOW". Its hard to believe that at that moment, the only thing I was thinking was to not lose my temper. I wanted the room to stay calm, and I had to be calm to take care of it......but literally, I wanted to FREAK THE GEEK OUT!! That moment I now see as the tension cutter needed to reference the rest of this story....you'll soon find out that difficult times are easier to cope with when you can find something....even one thing humorous about the situation, and reference it when you relay it. The reference makes it easier to tell son, it makes you stay in the present emotionally, not in the past. After our unexpected visitor the doctor realized that you were in distress. Your heart-rate was on a roller coaster of racing and dropping, and your head was stuck. Somehow you had moved from the proper position (posterior facing) to "sunny side up" (anterior facing). Your mom had been pushing for almost 4 hours, and to hear that you were in distress, and not close to being out, gave us even more concern. Your mom had a birth plan, and we had forfeited the no Petocin desire earlier thinking it would be ok to get you going. But now the doctor was talking about hooking up a vacuum to your head and pulling you out, the whole idea of this freaked your mother and me out. I was scared for both of you, and felt powerless to do anything. Your mom and I decided that we wanted to try pushing for 30 more minutes, then discuss options. 30 Minutes later, you were no where closer to us than before. Dr. Chu then told us that we needed to start thinking about the vacuum again, and that if that didn't work, we'd have to pull in to an emergency C-section (all of which were part of the "no" list on the birth plan). Your mom kept pushing and they hooked the vacuum up to your head. I saw the doctor putting 10lbs. of pressure pulling on your head, and it looked like the vacuum was gonna break she was pulling so hard. After that, I saw the doctors face, that look is still burned in my mind. She wasn't scared, but the look of concern furrowed her brow in a way that aged her 20 years, and I knew we were going in for the C-section. Your mom knew too, and she started to cry. I told her the one thing we discussed at the end of "planning" your birth: that we would risk it all to make sure you got here safe. In the end, you pushed us to our limits son, we bent every way we could to protect you (your mom especially, so don't be too hard on her when you're a teenager). I saw your mom rushed off to the operating room, and was holding back tears while holding her hand and briskly walking next to her. Understand this Sam, your mother's love is the strongest feeling you'll ever experience. None of this is possible without your mom. My life, our family, and your life are all tied to her, without her we would be like ships in the sea without a guide, without sails, and without rum.....When I walked in to the operating room (after reading a doctor the riot act for separating us), your mom was already being prepped. I sat next to her and held her hand tighter as we felt every tug of them trying to get you out, and with every tug you mom would look closer and closer into me, we stared at each other for the whole time. That is until I heard them say they had you, I made sure I was on the proper side to see you when you were out, and they started going to work on you immediately. When you came out you weren't breathing, and were covered in your own shit. You had been in labor so long that you pooped in the process. The people working on you lifted you up, then it happened, your eyes opened and you started to cry.....I swear you looked at me, but I'm sure that's just the dad in me speaking. When you came out you had a full head of hair, and I swear you have a giant penis too (you'll be happy about that later). The doctors took you over to your mom and me, still in the operating room, and I got to hold you for the first time. You were swaddled up in a blanket, and really freaked out. Then they said you had to go the the pediatrics ward to be checked, and your mom did the first "mom" thing in her life, she looked at me and said "go with our son, and make sure he's ok, and bring him back to me as soon as you can" That's what I did Sam, I went everywhere with you, and you didn't leave my sight until your mom ordered me to go home and "chill out for an hour". That's your story Sam, and I just want you to know, no matter how hard it was to get you here, we're beaming with joy for you. I've felt my heart immediately grow each time I hold you, or hear you cry, or have you poop on my hand while I'm changing you (happened today little man....don't let it be a habit).

Your Mother Through My Eyes

Sammy,

We're painting, putting furniture together, buying diapers, washing baby clothes, and getting the house ready for family life. The amount of change your mother and I have gone through is amazing, and we've never been more excited about our lives than now. Change is going to be constant in your life, but its important to understand where you're from to know where you're going. You're almost here, and I'd be remiss if I didn't have our first conversation about your mom now(one of many in the future I'm sure). The most important woman you're ever going to meet is your mother. Her name is Kristal Luann Pecherski, I'm sure she's gonna kill me for mentioning her middle name, but no one can escape their name (you won't either Samuel Fidel Carlson). You're going to discover your mother is the most inspiring person in this world, and in my experience, true inspiration is a rare trait in this world. True inspiration will drive you to constantly improve yourself, give you ideas of greatness you never thought you would reach, guide you through rough times, and foster a sense of constant creativity that permeates every cell in your body. This is how I feel every day spent with your mom. You're going to reach and fall plenty of times in life, much as I have in mine, but the difference between failing and being a failure is the inspiration to reach for greatness even at your lowest moments. Having your mom in your corner gives you a partner constantly picking you up, and if you forget how to do it on your own, she'll give you a swift kick in the ass to remind you. The greatest blessing in your life is being your mother's son. Your mother will always be a part of you, even when you hate it, and that ability to drive yourself to be greater comes from her. I'm forever intoxicated with love for your mother, and you will be too. She loves the reality of who I am, and will be your greatest fan. You will be showered with love, affection, generosity, patience, and laughter. That's the sort of light your mom brings into this world, and now you're a part of it. We love you more each day son, and though we're painted, diapered, washed and ready, none of it means anything without you. Your mom can't wait to inspire you to greatness, pick you up when you fall, and kick you in the ass when you need it.

Know your friends.....

Sammy, friendship is one of the most important skills you're ever going to learn. Its been an interesting experience for me thus far in the friendship category, but I think I've finally chosen the right path. The path you take towards finding your true friends is going to be filled with fun, uncertainty, drunk nights, and hopefully lots of laughter. The one thing I hope you learn from your mother and I is KNOW who your true friends are. You're going to hear cliches about how true friends act (my favorite is the one about a true friend helping you hide dead bodies.....I hope this isn't you...) the only thing you need to remember is this: true friends will build you up, others will try to break you down. That's it. It took me a while to figure this out Sammy, I know it seems simple, and it is. Unfortunately simplicity makes me suspicious for some reason, and I decided to test the waters of untrue friendship for a while. Those years of unhappiness and poor decisions keep me reticent of how blessed my life is today. I came to my senses and began to surround myself with friends that make me a better person. Your mother and I are quite lucky in life, we've been able to find individuals that love us as we are, and that already love you. This last weekend our friends gave you a wonderful gift, they threw a wonderful baby shower for you. Your two tios Mikey and James, and your tia Suzanne opened up their house and hearts for us. We're blessed to have them in our lives, and not only that, there were many of your friends there to welcome you into the world with love and tons of gifts. Friends that drove miles, and flew across the country. Friends that decorated your party, cooked tons of food, and yes, drank more than enough beer and mimosas. They're all excited about meeting you face to face in the near future, and they're already inspired by you. Your uncle Johnny and aunt Stephanie wrote you a letter:

Dear Sammy,

You don’t know me yet. Come to think of it, you don’t know much of anything at this moment. But one thing I do know is that you do feel.
I’m sure you are nice and warm now. And you aren’t too stressed out or worried about work. You are just lying there, suspended and weightless in fluid, sucking your thumb and pressing your limbs against your mother’s stomach. I am totally jealous, by the way.
And besides feeling cozy I know you feel something else, something as equally indescribable to you as it is to us. That other “feeling” leads to your first lesson in life. What you are feeling is what we call LOVE.
Love is your first true feeling. Love is your first experience and your first gain of knowledge. For love is the only preparation you need to survive in this world. And love is the force that propels life, both yours and everyone else’s.
Also, your father and mother are so excited to see your beautiful face—I mean handsome face, sorry man. Your dad has already broken in your baseball glove. And your mom is more than ready to get her body back. Come to think of it, we are all ready for you, Sammy.

So get on out here and fill those diapers!

We love you.
Johnny and Stephanie



As you can see Sammy, you're surrounded by love, and friends that will be here for you as you grow into a man. I love you son, and I can't wait to see you. You're only a few weeks away from coming into this world, and knowing who our friends are makes you mom and I the luckiest people in the world. Thank you all for a wonderful shower, and for your love.

Getting here, going there.

I'm going to be a father....and considering my unorthodox life thus far, I'm headed down the path with the same reckless abandon I've always displayed since being able to walk. Nonetheless, Samuel (Sammie) is on his way, and I'm finding is hard to contain my excitement and fears. However, I do have some great men on my side: my grandfather Samuel (I called him Pagra, don't ask) and my father Van. I want my son to know about them, and I want to remember their words of wisdom as I mature and grow into becoming a father. It's best to start this blog in December of 2007. Kristal (my fiance) and I had been dating for five months, and I was headed home for Christmas without her. I wanted her to know I was going to miss her, and decided to take her on a getaway before I left. We had a great weekend, in fact that was the first time I'd truthfully thought of Kristal as someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When we got home I had several messages from my family on voicemail. I called my mom, and she asked me to sit down. My father was gone. I still don't really know if I'll ever recover from that moment in my life. Crying in Kristal's bedroom, losing myself in emotions that to this day I still can't understand, I'd lost my father, a part of me died with him. I knew this loss from before, I'd lost my grandfather in high school, and with him a part of me left too. I come from a modern family, my mother is a strong force in this world, and was smart enough to know I needed strong men in my life. I think she chose to have me around Pagra so much in childhood as a way for me to see how to be a man. I had a stepfather, but we had a very contentious relationship, and I was in constant rebellion against them both; rejecting him as a male role model consciously. My grandfather's death left a massive void in my soul that still exists, but he gave me tools that I still use everyday. With Pagra's death, I started thinking about my father more and more. We had been estranged for quite a few years, but I wasn't ready to be his son though, I had some issues of my own to get through. My parents divorced when I was two, and my mother re-married shortly thereafter. Growing up I visited my dad one weekend a month, and there were times I'd come home crying because our visits weren't always great. He was an alcoholic, and as I grew older the disease took over his life. His soul was so clouded that at one point gave up parental rights to my sister and I, a decision he later told me was the lowest point of his life. His rejection stung in a manner that affected me for years. For some reason I was drawn to him when I was 19. It started with a dream that my father died in an accident thinking that I hated him, when I awoke I called him. I don't remember our conversation (it was 3AM), but we did set up a lunch for the following week. He had been sober for quite a few years, and been wanting to re-build a relationship with me. I'll never forget seeing him again after the years apart. I saw my eyes, my nose, my hands and arms were all his. I was taller than him now, but we had the same attitudes and dirty sense of humor. Somehow, he and I were always a part of each other, even though we were apart for so long. Our relationship grew fast, with the common bonds of golf and women. I started to trust him, and turn to him for advice and guidance. My father was back, and being his son made me understand how special my life would now be with him in it again. I had eleven years with him before he died. He remarried to a wonderful woman, had a grand-daughter, and carved out a life that he was proud of. When he left, I was filled with regret and anger. During the last six months of his life, I'd been busy with work, met Kristal, and unfortunately been a bad son. Our weekly talks turned to monthly, and I had begun to take him for granted, I thought he'd be around for years to come. Now I live with the shame that I ignored and hurt my father in his last days, time I thought we'd have is gone, and for the last three years I've been filled with remorse and regret about my actions. I can still hear his voice in my head, it echoes when I need him, and hollows when I think of the wasted years between us. I asked Kristal to marry me on March 27, 2009. It was the day before my birthday, and I couldn't wait any longer, I'd had the ring for a month, and was paralyzed by the want to be with her the rest of my life. Luckily, she said yes, even though my proposal was less than awesome. Nine months into our engagement, and in the middle of wedding planning, we found out we were having you Sammie. You are the surprise of a lifetime, and you are also the greatest gift I could ever wish for. I've finally found out why my grandfather and father spent so much time teaching and guiding me, its for you. They both forged me into the man I am, and the father I'm going to be. When you hear my voice guiding you, showing you how to have a kind heart, how to be a gentleman scoundrel, and teaching you how to be a man, its all from them. It's Pagra's voice telling you push the boundaries of your world, it's my father's voice telling you it's never too late to come back. It's my voice telling you I love you. You are the greatest gift to me because you're making me a better man, you're bringing me closer to Pagra and your grandfather. You're giving me the opportunity to meet the potential they fostered in me. Sammie, your life is the greatest adventure I'm ever going to have, and I can't wait. This is for you Pagra and Dad, I hope I become a father you both will be proud of.