Getting here, going there.

I'm going to be a father....and considering my unorthodox life thus far, I'm headed down the path with the same reckless abandon I've always displayed since being able to walk. Nonetheless, Samuel (Sammie) is on his way, and I'm finding is hard to contain my excitement and fears. However, I do have some great men on my side: my grandfather Samuel (I called him Pagra, don't ask) and my father Van. I want my son to know about them, and I want to remember their words of wisdom as I mature and grow into becoming a father. It's best to start this blog in December of 2007. Kristal (my fiance) and I had been dating for five months, and I was headed home for Christmas without her. I wanted her to know I was going to miss her, and decided to take her on a getaway before I left. We had a great weekend, in fact that was the first time I'd truthfully thought of Kristal as someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When we got home I had several messages from my family on voicemail. I called my mom, and she asked me to sit down. My father was gone. I still don't really know if I'll ever recover from that moment in my life. Crying in Kristal's bedroom, losing myself in emotions that to this day I still can't understand, I'd lost my father, a part of me died with him. I knew this loss from before, I'd lost my grandfather in high school, and with him a part of me left too. I come from a modern family, my mother is a strong force in this world, and was smart enough to know I needed strong men in my life. I think she chose to have me around Pagra so much in childhood as a way for me to see how to be a man. I had a stepfather, but we had a very contentious relationship, and I was in constant rebellion against them both; rejecting him as a male role model consciously. My grandfather's death left a massive void in my soul that still exists, but he gave me tools that I still use everyday. With Pagra's death, I started thinking about my father more and more. We had been estranged for quite a few years, but I wasn't ready to be his son though, I had some issues of my own to get through. My parents divorced when I was two, and my mother re-married shortly thereafter. Growing up I visited my dad one weekend a month, and there were times I'd come home crying because our visits weren't always great. He was an alcoholic, and as I grew older the disease took over his life. His soul was so clouded that at one point gave up parental rights to my sister and I, a decision he later told me was the lowest point of his life. His rejection stung in a manner that affected me for years. For some reason I was drawn to him when I was 19. It started with a dream that my father died in an accident thinking that I hated him, when I awoke I called him. I don't remember our conversation (it was 3AM), but we did set up a lunch for the following week. He had been sober for quite a few years, and been wanting to re-build a relationship with me. I'll never forget seeing him again after the years apart. I saw my eyes, my nose, my hands and arms were all his. I was taller than him now, but we had the same attitudes and dirty sense of humor. Somehow, he and I were always a part of each other, even though we were apart for so long. Our relationship grew fast, with the common bonds of golf and women. I started to trust him, and turn to him for advice and guidance. My father was back, and being his son made me understand how special my life would now be with him in it again. I had eleven years with him before he died. He remarried to a wonderful woman, had a grand-daughter, and carved out a life that he was proud of. When he left, I was filled with regret and anger. During the last six months of his life, I'd been busy with work, met Kristal, and unfortunately been a bad son. Our weekly talks turned to monthly, and I had begun to take him for granted, I thought he'd be around for years to come. Now I live with the shame that I ignored and hurt my father in his last days, time I thought we'd have is gone, and for the last three years I've been filled with remorse and regret about my actions. I can still hear his voice in my head, it echoes when I need him, and hollows when I think of the wasted years between us. I asked Kristal to marry me on March 27, 2009. It was the day before my birthday, and I couldn't wait any longer, I'd had the ring for a month, and was paralyzed by the want to be with her the rest of my life. Luckily, she said yes, even though my proposal was less than awesome. Nine months into our engagement, and in the middle of wedding planning, we found out we were having you Sammie. You are the surprise of a lifetime, and you are also the greatest gift I could ever wish for. I've finally found out why my grandfather and father spent so much time teaching and guiding me, its for you. They both forged me into the man I am, and the father I'm going to be. When you hear my voice guiding you, showing you how to have a kind heart, how to be a gentleman scoundrel, and teaching you how to be a man, its all from them. It's Pagra's voice telling you push the boundaries of your world, it's my father's voice telling you it's never too late to come back. It's my voice telling you I love you. You are the greatest gift to me because you're making me a better man, you're bringing me closer to Pagra and your grandfather. You're giving me the opportunity to meet the potential they fostered in me. Sammie, your life is the greatest adventure I'm ever going to have, and I can't wait. This is for you Pagra and Dad, I hope I become a father you both will be proud of.