Your Mother Through My Eyes

Sammy,

We're painting, putting furniture together, buying diapers, washing baby clothes, and getting the house ready for family life. The amount of change your mother and I have gone through is amazing, and we've never been more excited about our lives than now. Change is going to be constant in your life, but its important to understand where you're from to know where you're going. You're almost here, and I'd be remiss if I didn't have our first conversation about your mom now(one of many in the future I'm sure). The most important woman you're ever going to meet is your mother. Her name is Kristal Luann Pecherski, I'm sure she's gonna kill me for mentioning her middle name, but no one can escape their name (you won't either Samuel Fidel Carlson). You're going to discover your mother is the most inspiring person in this world, and in my experience, true inspiration is a rare trait in this world. True inspiration will drive you to constantly improve yourself, give you ideas of greatness you never thought you would reach, guide you through rough times, and foster a sense of constant creativity that permeates every cell in your body. This is how I feel every day spent with your mom. You're going to reach and fall plenty of times in life, much as I have in mine, but the difference between failing and being a failure is the inspiration to reach for greatness even at your lowest moments. Having your mom in your corner gives you a partner constantly picking you up, and if you forget how to do it on your own, she'll give you a swift kick in the ass to remind you. The greatest blessing in your life is being your mother's son. Your mother will always be a part of you, even when you hate it, and that ability to drive yourself to be greater comes from her. I'm forever intoxicated with love for your mother, and you will be too. She loves the reality of who I am, and will be your greatest fan. You will be showered with love, affection, generosity, patience, and laughter. That's the sort of light your mom brings into this world, and now you're a part of it. We love you more each day son, and though we're painted, diapered, washed and ready, none of it means anything without you. Your mom can't wait to inspire you to greatness, pick you up when you fall, and kick you in the ass when you need it.

Know your friends.....

Sammy, friendship is one of the most important skills you're ever going to learn. Its been an interesting experience for me thus far in the friendship category, but I think I've finally chosen the right path. The path you take towards finding your true friends is going to be filled with fun, uncertainty, drunk nights, and hopefully lots of laughter. The one thing I hope you learn from your mother and I is KNOW who your true friends are. You're going to hear cliches about how true friends act (my favorite is the one about a true friend helping you hide dead bodies.....I hope this isn't you...) the only thing you need to remember is this: true friends will build you up, others will try to break you down. That's it. It took me a while to figure this out Sammy, I know it seems simple, and it is. Unfortunately simplicity makes me suspicious for some reason, and I decided to test the waters of untrue friendship for a while. Those years of unhappiness and poor decisions keep me reticent of how blessed my life is today. I came to my senses and began to surround myself with friends that make me a better person. Your mother and I are quite lucky in life, we've been able to find individuals that love us as we are, and that already love you. This last weekend our friends gave you a wonderful gift, they threw a wonderful baby shower for you. Your two tios Mikey and James, and your tia Suzanne opened up their house and hearts for us. We're blessed to have them in our lives, and not only that, there were many of your friends there to welcome you into the world with love and tons of gifts. Friends that drove miles, and flew across the country. Friends that decorated your party, cooked tons of food, and yes, drank more than enough beer and mimosas. They're all excited about meeting you face to face in the near future, and they're already inspired by you. Your uncle Johnny and aunt Stephanie wrote you a letter:

Dear Sammy,

You don’t know me yet. Come to think of it, you don’t know much of anything at this moment. But one thing I do know is that you do feel.
I’m sure you are nice and warm now. And you aren’t too stressed out or worried about work. You are just lying there, suspended and weightless in fluid, sucking your thumb and pressing your limbs against your mother’s stomach. I am totally jealous, by the way.
And besides feeling cozy I know you feel something else, something as equally indescribable to you as it is to us. That other “feeling” leads to your first lesson in life. What you are feeling is what we call LOVE.
Love is your first true feeling. Love is your first experience and your first gain of knowledge. For love is the only preparation you need to survive in this world. And love is the force that propels life, both yours and everyone else’s.
Also, your father and mother are so excited to see your beautiful face—I mean handsome face, sorry man. Your dad has already broken in your baseball glove. And your mom is more than ready to get her body back. Come to think of it, we are all ready for you, Sammy.

So get on out here and fill those diapers!

We love you.
Johnny and Stephanie



As you can see Sammy, you're surrounded by love, and friends that will be here for you as you grow into a man. I love you son, and I can't wait to see you. You're only a few weeks away from coming into this world, and knowing who our friends are makes you mom and I the luckiest people in the world. Thank you all for a wonderful shower, and for your love.

Getting here, going there.

I'm going to be a father....and considering my unorthodox life thus far, I'm headed down the path with the same reckless abandon I've always displayed since being able to walk. Nonetheless, Samuel (Sammie) is on his way, and I'm finding is hard to contain my excitement and fears. However, I do have some great men on my side: my grandfather Samuel (I called him Pagra, don't ask) and my father Van. I want my son to know about them, and I want to remember their words of wisdom as I mature and grow into becoming a father. It's best to start this blog in December of 2007. Kristal (my fiance) and I had been dating for five months, and I was headed home for Christmas without her. I wanted her to know I was going to miss her, and decided to take her on a getaway before I left. We had a great weekend, in fact that was the first time I'd truthfully thought of Kristal as someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When we got home I had several messages from my family on voicemail. I called my mom, and she asked me to sit down. My father was gone. I still don't really know if I'll ever recover from that moment in my life. Crying in Kristal's bedroom, losing myself in emotions that to this day I still can't understand, I'd lost my father, a part of me died with him. I knew this loss from before, I'd lost my grandfather in high school, and with him a part of me left too. I come from a modern family, my mother is a strong force in this world, and was smart enough to know I needed strong men in my life. I think she chose to have me around Pagra so much in childhood as a way for me to see how to be a man. I had a stepfather, but we had a very contentious relationship, and I was in constant rebellion against them both; rejecting him as a male role model consciously. My grandfather's death left a massive void in my soul that still exists, but he gave me tools that I still use everyday. With Pagra's death, I started thinking about my father more and more. We had been estranged for quite a few years, but I wasn't ready to be his son though, I had some issues of my own to get through. My parents divorced when I was two, and my mother re-married shortly thereafter. Growing up I visited my dad one weekend a month, and there were times I'd come home crying because our visits weren't always great. He was an alcoholic, and as I grew older the disease took over his life. His soul was so clouded that at one point gave up parental rights to my sister and I, a decision he later told me was the lowest point of his life. His rejection stung in a manner that affected me for years. For some reason I was drawn to him when I was 19. It started with a dream that my father died in an accident thinking that I hated him, when I awoke I called him. I don't remember our conversation (it was 3AM), but we did set up a lunch for the following week. He had been sober for quite a few years, and been wanting to re-build a relationship with me. I'll never forget seeing him again after the years apart. I saw my eyes, my nose, my hands and arms were all his. I was taller than him now, but we had the same attitudes and dirty sense of humor. Somehow, he and I were always a part of each other, even though we were apart for so long. Our relationship grew fast, with the common bonds of golf and women. I started to trust him, and turn to him for advice and guidance. My father was back, and being his son made me understand how special my life would now be with him in it again. I had eleven years with him before he died. He remarried to a wonderful woman, had a grand-daughter, and carved out a life that he was proud of. When he left, I was filled with regret and anger. During the last six months of his life, I'd been busy with work, met Kristal, and unfortunately been a bad son. Our weekly talks turned to monthly, and I had begun to take him for granted, I thought he'd be around for years to come. Now I live with the shame that I ignored and hurt my father in his last days, time I thought we'd have is gone, and for the last three years I've been filled with remorse and regret about my actions. I can still hear his voice in my head, it echoes when I need him, and hollows when I think of the wasted years between us. I asked Kristal to marry me on March 27, 2009. It was the day before my birthday, and I couldn't wait any longer, I'd had the ring for a month, and was paralyzed by the want to be with her the rest of my life. Luckily, she said yes, even though my proposal was less than awesome. Nine months into our engagement, and in the middle of wedding planning, we found out we were having you Sammie. You are the surprise of a lifetime, and you are also the greatest gift I could ever wish for. I've finally found out why my grandfather and father spent so much time teaching and guiding me, its for you. They both forged me into the man I am, and the father I'm going to be. When you hear my voice guiding you, showing you how to have a kind heart, how to be a gentleman scoundrel, and teaching you how to be a man, its all from them. It's Pagra's voice telling you push the boundaries of your world, it's my father's voice telling you it's never too late to come back. It's my voice telling you I love you. You are the greatest gift to me because you're making me a better man, you're bringing me closer to Pagra and your grandfather. You're giving me the opportunity to meet the potential they fostered in me. Sammie, your life is the greatest adventure I'm ever going to have, and I can't wait. This is for you Pagra and Dad, I hope I become a father you both will be proud of.